“I know one thing; that I know nothing” Socrates
I am an immigrant. I have arrived. It is official. I have made it through that long, dark tunnel of grief. I have made it home to the light, only to find a wall and imagined borders that were once open to me, now closed. I can smell the fresh air and the subtle fragrances of plants and the branches of the all-embracing trees and brush that surround me. They welcome me back with their dewey kisses and tell me how much I was missed. I feel their Luv, sincerity and compassion. “It feels like forever” I murmur as I lean in and gently knead one of their leaves between my thumb and forefinger. “I feel a bit like a sailor without a compass,” I confess, as I try to steady and balance myself on my newly found “sea legs.” I wipe the dust from my eyes and try to refocus, now that I am back. I want to just languish in the memory of who this new version of me is and what it feels like. I adore it! I want to rest my weary ole bones on the hand carved log, down near the creek and listen while the rushing waters polish the ancient stones. I want to inhale the alluring smell of poppies. I am not permitted to, however. Something has changed. Everything has changed. I must now fight a new battle. I massage the muscles that have been most tense and thank each and every one of them for holding me up through all of the hard winds and turbulence on my Journey, as I work my way down the limbs of my torso. I want to close my eyes and drink in the sun’s warm caress, lay my head upon her shoulder, shed my last tear for a Luv that has departed. I feel the electric surge of excitement my “Mother” sends me, through the cracked soles of my feet, standing me up as straight as a sail’s masthead.
My sacred beliefs are not embraced in this land. Apparently, I am a dissident- or at least that is what I am told. My relationship is not accepted or recognized as valid, by some. How is it possible to Luv two equally, I am questioned? “But I do,” I insist. This menage a’ trois with Death, Life and myself IS much work yes, yet SO worth it. I am not backing down. I have traveled too far to give up and be turned away, or sent back to the dark tunnel. I Luv and embrace them both. We will not separate, nor go AWOL. We will not cave in to the judgements, the prejudices, the hatred, the sneers, the side glances or the snide comments. NO. These are not new to us. Our Luv will endure. Step upon us if you must, but we shall scrape ourselves off from the sole of your shoe and we will only resurrect as newer, stronger, louder, more defiant Souls, than we were.
How does one readjust to a world where the emperor dons no clothing? Where everything is based on thumbs up or down and not merit? Is this the Roman Coliseum? Is beauty of the flesh, really that important? What about Soul? Truth? Is truth but a myth now? I am confused and perplexed. All the chaotic shouting and anger feels a bit like the place that I thought I left behind, “The Grieving Process.” I survey what I can see of my “me.” I look like the others but feel different, separate from, not of this earth. Have I disassociated? Do I just need an accomplished psychiatrist and the right dose of medication to fit in with the rest? I wonder if those differences can be perceived or detected by the blue, green, brown and black orbs that are known as eyes here in this Land. Do I continue on and hope to go unnoticed? Do I walk away from? Change direction? Acknowledge the importance of this finality? This new beginning? Do I continue to speak of Death or only of the desire to Live again? The relationship is one that I must not be ashamed to flaunt in public. Is it possible to Luv both? Is it reprehensible? Disgusting even? Is it frowned upon by the others who look like I and those who don’t? Is this menage a’ tois permissible? Doable? Do I care? Can I be passionate about both? Luv them equally without any jealousy erupting and destroying my “Divine Trinity?” Or is it just plain blasphemy?
Be assured, I will continue on because I MUST. It is not up to me. Nor is it up to those in the latest fashions, or those with the most riches, or most recognized names. I heard and received my “orders,” my “marching papers.” The number of citizens that Luv me and approve of my relationship is unimportant. These are waters I have navigated before. Don’t think for a moment that I shall cower because of your disdain. You can jail me, burn me, hang me from the mighty oak to be blown by the evening breeze. This will not quiet me. I have lessons, meanings and Hope for all, even those who try to extinguish me. I WILL survive.
Luv you! Mean it!